“No Man Is An Island.” This sentence was an essay topic in my 8th grade English class. I remember sitting in my room after school pondering what on earth I was supposed to write about based on this quote alone. I somehow, reluctantly, came up with something to get the assignment over with, but I have never been able to shake that quote.
I think some of my fixated-ness on that quote comes from its implication that I can’t live without others. As an adolescent, coming of age and wanting to be an independent adult, I wanted to believe that I didn’t need people. But, as an adult, I have come to realize that I definitely do not live in a relational vacuum.
For example, when I married, I didn’t just marry my husband, I also inherited a new family, with strengths and weaknesses that impact me. When I had my first child, his very life depended on the nurturance and protection of my husband and I. And, I know I am not the only person raised in America who wanted to believe I didn’t need anyone to be happy.
Our Culture Seems to Value Island Living
Why do we Americans try to tell ourselves that we can, “Go at it alone?” We say things like, “Pull yourself up by the bootstraps.” We think, “I am independent.” Do you identify with any of these? This extreme individualism is a basic value of many Americans.
Yes, there are some areas where it is great to be independent. Every parent celebrates when their child masters toileting skills. Taking responsibility to get out of bed and get to work on time is necessary. But, when it comes to our emotional needs and our deepest hopes and dreams, why do so many of us hide our true selves from others, isolate, and think we can be fine?
No One Gets through Life Without Hurt from Relationships
One reason is that we have been hurt in the past. For some of us, this may have been neglectful or abusive parenting that taught us it is dangerous to express or feel a need. Others may have been bullied for how they look or speak, or for what they value, and have since decided to hide their true selves. It may have been parental divorce that soured trust in lasting relationships. Or, it may have been the betrayal of a friend, followed by a vow not to confide in anyone again.
We all have some degree of hurt from relationships that we carry into adulthood. So, now, in the present, when we express a real need, there is the possibility of that need being unmet, or even being ridiculed. The idea of that is scary and painful, so sometimes it seems easier to stay closed off, to retreat to our metaphorical island.
We Put Up Walls
Then, in this place of emotional isolation, we build metaphorical walls, just in case anyone tries to visit. Now, these walls are tricky, because putting up emotional walls, hiding, and “being independent” can be a wise thing to do when you are a young person or overwhelmed and unable to cope. At the time, that may have been was what was necessary to keep going in life.
What else can a child do, for example, when a powerful adult makes fun of their tears other than to stop crying, and eventually, to stop acknowledging having feelings at all? That decision was protective and worked for the time.
But, what tends to happen as we grow, is we don’t go back and revisit those places where we were hurt or neglected. Instead of deconstructing the walls we built and letting our priceless, true selves emerge when it is safe, we proceed to build three more walls and a roof, until our true self is encapsulated and even we ourselves don’t really know who we truly are. Then, our independence goes from being a temporary state of survival to an impenetrable fortress.
Even God Lives in Relationship
That might be ok, except for one big problem – that quote that I have never been able to shake. Something about it resounds in the very core of my being: “No man is an island.” There is something about how we are wired that cannot let the need to relationships go. Even Jesus himself depended on God and God’s Spirit to live his life.
Like it or not, people are relational. Connecting with others is necessary. If you don’t buy into this, check out the studies about children in the Romanian orphanages who were neglected or to what happens to prisoners in solitary confinement. Even science shows us that we need meaningful human interaction to thrive.
Yes, a main characteristic of health is having relationships where you can be nurtured. As you can imagine, this is next to impossible when your self is walled off. So, we tell ourselves lies, such as, “I don’t need anyone.” “I am self made.”
How Do I Break Free?
What is the way off the island? First, and foremost, it is seeing the need and making a courageous decision that you are tired of living in hiding. This is the biggest step. Many people numb themselves so they never feel this need consciously, such as with food, drugs, alcohol, shopping, or any number of other cover-ups.
So, if you have a desire for more connection but are afraid, rejoice! You are alive and there is hope. Jesus teaches, “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs in the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 5:3). Jesus will meet you in this space of brokenness and begin restoration as you allow him.
Find A Safe Person
Most always, healing will involve entering into a relationship with a safe person who will accept you as you are. Many times this is a therapist or spiritual leader, as there may be few to no safe people in a walled-off person’s daily life. The very act of relating with another person will expose the areas that are walled off and present opportunities to heal.
From there, you will begin demolition, brick by brick, until you can start to see out of your fort and others can start to see in. When that happens, it opens you to a whole new world of connectivity, but now you are wiser for having been through the process. You learn where things went wrong and how to prevent being hurt again in the same way in the future. You grow, you mature, and you discover that you do not have to stay stuck today in a place that hurt you yesterday. You learn to relate to people, to have your needs met and to help others meet their needs, in mutually satisfying ways. Doesn’t that sound better?
The Time is Now
It is never too late to work for freedom. If disappointment in relationships or trauma is part of your past, today there are many newer methods to approach healing that are less painful than directly revisiting and rehashing every detail of your past. Entire walls can sometimes be knocked out in a few hours with the help of a trained professional. Other times, it is more of a process, but worth every minute.
Do not let fear hold you back from beginning today to turn the corner into a connected, interdependent, abundant life. Maybe you can still visit that island, but taking a few people along with you may make it a much richer experience.
A recommended book about this topic is Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, by Peter Scazzero. And, if you are ready to being your journey to healthy interdependence, contact me now. Don’t settle for less in your life.
“I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” (Jesus in John 10:10)
