Moms around the world get stretch marks from their pregnancies. They try ointments, wraps and creams to avoid them, but last I heard, there is no ultimate solution to stretch marks. It is part of becoming a mother. Some lucky souls escape them altogether, but most of us moms just deal with them.
Does it feel a little uncomfortable to talk about such personal things as stretch marks? Unless you reframe them and think of them as badges of honor from being a mother, there is a sort of stigma around stretch marks. We try to hide them and focus on how cute our baby is instead.
Becoming a parent is a lot like developing stretch marks. Most of us are going to have some scars along the way. The road to becoming responsible for the physical, emotional, and even spiritual needs of another little person is not without lasting impressions. So, why in our culture do we act like mothering is all cuddles, sweet smells, and cute clothes?
Sure, maybe is it OK to talk about being tired. People love to tell pregnant women to “Sleep while you can.” And, it’s ok socially to ask about tips for caring for the baby; everyone wants to give advice to a new mother.
But, what about when a mom is feeling guilty for not breastfeeding, even though that was what was best for her baby when her milk did not come in? Can Mom talk with guests wanting to see the baby about feeling guilty, or would she expect them to look at her as if she had two heads, or, just say, “It doesn’t matter, you have a baby now,” and dismiss her feelings altogether?
Or, maybe you have an unplanned C-section and don’t feel like the doctors treated you well in the process. Aren’t the doctors supposed to be there for the mom, too? Perhaps you even make it through those first few weeks as a new parent unscathed, but one year into parenting you have never felt so isolated from your husband.
When it gets to our feelings about being a mother, I have noticed that we moms want to hide our struggles, even though most of us have them, like stretch marks. We want to pretend everything is fine, that the pull of wanting our old lives back, with freedom and time on our hands, is somehow a bad thing and to talk about it would make you a bad mom.
But what if we accepted that transitioning into parenting comes with emotional stretch marks? What if we allow ourselves to nurture our raw and honest feelings about becoming a mom just like we nurture our tummies with cream and ointments? What if we acknowledge that, just like stretch marks take time to develop over the course nine months, taking on the new identity of Mom will stretch our hearts and minds and even souls in ways that may pull, tug, and leave some scars.
Moms, there is no shame in stretch marks, and there is no shame in having mad, sad, overwhelmed, lonely, or disappointed feelings when you are adjusting to becoming a mother. Mothers are allowed to feel too, and you can have all these feelings and still be an amazing, nurturing, mother. In fact, having these feelings is proof you are an amazing mother. It is your body’s way of saying you need to take care of yourself so you can take good emotional care of your baby.
So, how can you take care of your emotional needs as a new mom? Here are some ideas:
1) Try talking with other moms you trust. If you break the ice, you will likely find other moms feel the same way but have been afraid to be honest.
2) Remember that if you feel like a bad mom because you are are not loving every minute of being a parent, or even the majority of minutes as a mother, that does not mean you are not a good mom. We live in a culture that sells an unrealistic image of what mothering can be like, especially in the early years.
3) If you still cannot find supportive people to talk with, or if you do but still struggle to have more good days than bad, seek help from a professional counselor sensitive to the needs of mothers.
When you begin to give your feelings the time and attention they need, you will find that like stretch marks fade over time, our painful “new mom” feelings will diminish as they are overcome with feelings of accomplishment and joy from having taken on a whole new identity as someone’s Mom.